[Post from Paul] Who’s Interested?

Fellow travelers,

Pam wrote such an amazing post a couple of days ago that I honestly thought it would draw thousands, even scores of thousands of hits.  I mean, how often does anyone get the chance to read such heartbreakingly tender testimony to a daughter from a mother approaching the inevitable end to a terminal illness?

I’m thinking it was the ultimate expression of maternal love — but then again, I’m hardly a disinterested party.

Truth be told, the post drew only about a quarter or a possibly a third of the interest generated by the posts people actually found intriguing.  I expected the post would go viral and generate five to ten times the traffic that any of her earlier check-ins were able to provoke.

Not so.

What difference does it make?  Why should I care?  Perhaps the explanation is this: I’m no stronger and no better than any human being — in other words, I’m powerless in the face of death.  A powerless man grabs at straws.  It doesn’t do any good, of course, but it’s human nature.  There’s no way I can keep Pam with me, so I want the loss of her to mean something.

Maybe — and please forgive my foolishness — the courage my wife has shown throughout this ordeal might serve as some sort of testimony.  “Testimony to what?”, you ask.  Well, it’s obviously a response to my shock and my grief, but I imagine — or hope — or want to pretend — that I might pull some sort of cold comfort out of the thought that Pamela’s descent into death will teach others how to live.  Perhaps it might teach you how to live.

Life is so sweet.  Life is so precious.  What a tragedy it is to decline any chance to savor the very marvel of it!

Here’s the truth of it: Pam doesn’t act like somebody who’s dying.  She acts as one who is living — living intensely.  The fire in her, the fire that has always burned brightly, is hotter now than it has ever been.  The fire will go out, of course, anyone can see that; but Pam is determined to see that it gives light as long as it possibly can — gives light to anyone who steps in her direction.

Love.  Joy.  Gratitude.  Wonder.  Life.  That’s what it’s about.  That’s the light of truth shining in my wife — today and every day.  Can you blame me for wanting to set her lamp upon the very highest of lamp stands?

Love to you all,

Paul

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About captaincatholic

Fifty Eight Year old 'Cradle Catholic'. Married for twenty two years to the magnificent Pam. Father to the unsurpassable Angelique. Parishioner at Sacred Heart Parish in Lexington MA.
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8 Responses to [Post from Paul] Who’s Interested?

  1. Jean Murray says:

    You and Pam have been an inspiration to many of us. Pam’s last post was so personal, I think it may have been difficult for many to read. You are an amazing family and I thank you for sharing your journey with all of us.

  2. maria o'brien hylton says:

    Another amazing post–thanks!

  3. Billy says:

    Paul,

    Your friends have said it well. It baffles me to consider commenting on Pam’s sentiments and perspectives?
    I don’t at all feel worthy to try.

    Please tell her for me that I stop what I am doing when I see her posts. I drink every word. Every time I am speechles.

    As for your hopes of ” going viral”, I for one, I wouldn’t dare affect one word she had for Liqua.

    I love you guys. Love never fails.

    Billy

  4. I read all of your posts and Pam’s – I thank you both for allowing us to share this journey with you. You are so lucky to have Pam, and she is lucky to have you, too.

  5. Molly K. Johnson says:

    Paul, I am often stunned speechless by Pam’s posts, and yours. Your testimony touches so many people. I pray that in days to come Pam’s words will be warm comfort for you, not cold. That you will hear again how much she loves, and is loved. That you will chuckle at her humor, even in the face of this horrible disease. And most of all that you will understand, my friend, that as long as we hold her in our hearts, her light will never, ever, ever go out.

  6. misha says:

    Dear Paul and Pam,
    I had my daughter read Pam’s powerfully loving post, and it made us both cry. Pam expresses words that I have difficulty verbalizing! i’m in awe of your minds and thoughts. I know I gave up on posting. When things are very tough, people explain to me that others have trouble responding. Can you hear my explatives in Watertown right now?! It seems when I am bearing my heart, am most vulnerable, and in need of any compassion available (not the silience!), no one responds. And I do care, It does matter to me. We need community. We need affirmation or acknowledgement. And the silence is deafening. So I reach out in love and would love to hear from you as well.
    Love,
    Misha
    (and Sasha’s comment- “It sounds like your love for me, except we don’t ‘fight’. ” You are not alone, Paul. You are not alone, Pam. You are not alone, Angelique. I love you, God certainly loves you. p.s.chemo starts again for me next week. I’m not even telling anyone, except those who need to know. I feel alone…and hurt. i’m with you guys. And anytime you need an ear, or some love, I’m here.

  7. Julie Lancaster says:

    Paul,
    I believe that Pam’s message is louder than you may think. I believe she has reached the Heavens with her passionate message, and has a host of angels for her audience. I am listening closely to my sister because I believe she is an angel speaking.
    Julie

    • Kathleen Flett says:

      Paul, I couldn’t agree with Julie more! Pam is an inspiration to all of us. I think the love you have for each other is amazing.!

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