“Are you really Live Blogging this?”
As you’ll remember from my last post, I’ve made it my business to provide Pam an ongoing ‘circle of love’ during this part of her journey. From time to time I remove myself from the loving circle to share with all of you what ‘this part’ is like. As you can see, when last I headed to the office, just a little while ago, to write this post, one of those loving links in Pam’s circle expressed some surprise.
The surprise, I suppose, is that I’m not by Pam’s side every single minute. The surprise is that I choose, from time to time, to abandon my role as ‘Paul the grieving husband’ to spend time being ‘Paul the news reporter.’ The surprise, I suppose, is that I actually imagine that people are going to be interested in ‘this part’ of Pam’s life.
Maybe I am pushing the limits of acceptable grief behavior, but I’d like to point out that Pam never posted anything with the goal of being ‘acceptable’. Pam wanted to share her journey; and it’s in this sharing, I believe, that she gave witness to the glory of God. “Acceptable grief behavior” means that we need to keep ‘certain things’ hidden, leave ‘certain things’ unsaid. By this reasoning, Pam had a great life with a really rotten ending that we should all just forget so we can remember the ‘good’ times. That’s acceptable; but Pam wasn’t acceptable when she could blog for herself and I’m simply following her lead now that she has to rely on me to blog for her.
So, here’s what I think: I think Pam’s life was a great life, period. ‘This part’ included. If I know my wife, I know she’s never been one to sweep things under the rug. “Hey people,” I imagine her saying, “if it’s part of my life it’s part of me. I’m blogging so that you can get to know me, not the person I’m supposed to be.”
One of our visitors recently gave Pam a kiss and told her how sorry he was. She mustered up enough strength to say, “I ain’t dead yet.” He broke up laughing. My life continues to be the funniest woman in the world, and her humor continues to be a humor that works because it reveals the truth.”
Pam hasn’t lived her life as she was supposed to and she’s not playing out the end of it the way she’s supposed to either. Can you fault me that I’m not grieving the end of her life the way I’m supposed to?
God is Love.
Life is Joy.