[Perchance To Dream IX : Paul’s Live Blog — Sun 2:42 pm] Eight Little Letters

Ladies and gentlemen; boys and girls,

I mentioned in an earlier post that my wife’s weekend hospice nurse, the magnificent Karen, had explained to me that the process of Pam’s death has already begun.  There are lots and lots of indicators, many of which I’ve described to you.  She’s stopped eating, she’s stopped drinking and she’s stopped talking.  In fact, she’ll probably never speak again.  Isn’t that something?  Pam has told her last joke, recited her last prayer, given her last opinion, made her last observation, uttered her last sentence, dropped her last F-bomb.  It’s done.  Can you get your head around that?  To tell the truth I’m having a lot of trouble making sense of it myself.

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[Perchance To Dream VIII : Paul’s Live Blog — Sun 6:18 am] Up and At ‘Em


The way we’ve been working it, Angelique and I, is that one of us or the other is with Pamela all through the night.  As I mentioned in another post, we’ve gotten into the habit of letting her spend most of her day time in the hospital bed so we can let her sleep overnight in the recliner.  That makes it possible for one of us to lie down next to Pam and be near her.  Liqa and I take turns and we’ve fallen into the habit, now, of letting Angelique go first so I’m on hand to meet the morning health aide.

Sounds pretty boring, doesn’t it?  Well, it is.  It’s also exhausting!  The thing is, though, now that we’ve both come to terms with the fact that Pam is as ‘out of it’ as she is we’re both feeling waves and waves of affection for her.  My crazy wife!  For twenty three years! … (what was I going to say?) … oh yeah, for twenty three years I tried to convince her that she didn’t have to knock herself out in order to earn my love, or to earn anyone’s love.  Now that she really is ‘knocked out’, love is coming to her like a rolling river — I hope, somehow, she appreciates how easy she is to love.  How easy she’s always been.

Stay tuned!


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[Perchance To Dream VI : Paul’s Live Blog — Sat 5:06 am] Ripeness Is All

I wonder, dear friends, how you’re all doing.

Here’s something to chew on: I got a call, just Thursday, from David Sullivan at Mt. Auburn Memorials.  He told me that he’d dropped our monument off at the cemetery and that the folks there would be installing it in a day or two.  Looks like it will be ready when we need it.  Just in time.

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[Perchance To Dream V : Paul’s Live Blog — Sat 2:26 am] Breathe In, Breathe Out

Are you still awake?

Angelique rearranged the furniture, while I was catching a few minutes of sleep, so she could lie next to her mother and hold her hand.  A few moments ago, when I got up to ‘spell’ her, I took Liqa’s spot and held Pam’s hand myself.  I couldn’t help but listen to my wife’s breathing — just to make sure she still was breathing.  While I was thus engaged it occurred to me that I had done something similar, ever so many years ago, when my daughter was a newborn.  I really had no reason, then, to worry that baby Angelique would stop breathing except that — when you’re a first time parent — you tend to dwell on all the terrifying things that you read, or that you hear, about the things that might happen to your child.

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[Perchance To Dream IV : Paul’s Live Blog — Fri 9:47 pm] The Commandment that Commands all the other Commandments

Earlier today I spoke with Vicky Lee Boyajian, the greatest caterer in all of Belmont and parts of Watertown.  In June of 2009, Vicky catered my daughter Angelique’s High School Graduation Party.  Those of you who were there know what a fabulous party it was.  Those of you who weren’t there will get some idea of how spectacular the party was once you hear that, as a result, the entire Bradford Family was permanently banished from the Belmont Women’s Club.  Good times!

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[Perchance To Dream III : Paul’s Live Blog — Fri 7:51 pm] Thumbs Up!

To all our loving friends, and all our loving family,

At this point, Pam is almost unresponsive.  Almost, but not entirely.  My marvelous sister-in-law Carol Bradford just spent thirty or forty minutes with me as we cleaned, and bathed, and dressed my darling wife and then lifted her from the hospital bed to the reclining chair.  She is, as we say, ‘out of it’ because of the drugs, and the cancer, and the overall physical exhaustion.  Just the same, though, we’re all going on the assumption that she can hear, and understand, everything that’s said in her presence.

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